As the warm spring winds blow on me like that of a soothing fire on a dark cold night, I feel strangely comforted. The sun is high in the sky, although it is bright and clear I feel as if darkness incubuses me. All around I feels an army of darkness coming down upon me. Their shadows send chills of terror down my spine as if Mother Nature herself has turned her back on me and sent all the forces of nature against me. It is a weird feeling to be comforted by one element yet terrified by the rest. As I look to see the captors that enclose upon me I see nothing. Is this reality? Or is this the epic journey to the likes of I know not what? The mountains to my hind, display the glory of the one who created them. Their peaks are capped with snow as white as the purest light man can fathom, covered with lush vegetation growing, housing thousand of God’s creatures. The brook I lay beside reminds me of the ever-flowing cycle of life and forces me to ask myself, how did I get here? Was it pure insanity? Or was it pure genius? This is neither the beginning nor the end for me. Rather it is the middle, the beginning was long ago, when I was a small child and experienced things for the first time in my life that I knew not existed. The essence of a woman’s love, or rather lust.
You see, everyone has their own interpretation of what it well may be. For some it is love at first sight, of which I am a firm believer. For others it is that high-school sweetheart, which for a home schooled kid is a difficult concept, unless you consider her to be one of your “classmates” that you see from time to time when a bunch of home school kids go to the science center together. Yet some insist on playing the field until you find that right fish in the sea for them. Others just hate the concept of love and would rather never have anything to do with it contrary to the popular saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” One thing I think is true about everyone on the planet, during those classic junior high years when not one child can stand to be seen in public with their parents so they would rather spend their 10 dollar weekly allowance to go sit in the back of a movie theatre and make-out with that one cute girl from school, or the neighbor, or my personal favorite, the church-girl. Now junior-high is the age when most people decide they want to have a “relationship,” if you can indeed call a 3 week drama fest that. I was far ahead of the norm. There was one girl that I had fallen in love with when I was six years old. It was like a refreshing summer rain shower poured on me whenever I laid eyes on her. She was gorgeous. Although I was not a very attractive young man, I still felt that I had a shot. Thankfully, God had been gracious in giving me two eyes since I had an accident when I was three when I was walking around on the couch when I suddenly fell and my right eye was gashed against the corner of the end table. Needless to say I lost all vision in that eye and thought of my self as one of those hideous orcs that J.R. Tolkein had written about in his Lord of The Rings.
Back to my first love. My best friend and I would sit around all daydreaming of her and how one day I would marry her and we would have this fairy tale life where everything was absolutely perfect. One day I found out that my best friend was leaving me. He was moving several states away and I was devastated. I felt as if I was alone. When he left I had no one except her. We had never even spoken so I figured that was a good a time as any to speak with her. I uttered nervously my first words of hello to her and told her my name. She stared at me as if I was reading an excerpt from Mein Kampf and she had no idea what I was saying. The most demeaning feeling came over me. I acknowledged myself as being the monster I always knew I was but tried to convince my self that I wasn’t. After weeks of sulking and self-abuse and mental anguish I got back on my horse for a second go round. This time I was far more direct with my intentions. Be in mind I had gone nuts over this girl since I was 6 and I was now 8. I encountered her once again and simply told her I loved her and how she meant the world to me and I wanted to marry her.
Was it possible? Could my strength perform the task that grown men had tried to accomplish. Some had succeeded in their efforts, and other failed miserably only to get a nice white walled room. What is the fury of Hell that could be worse than the Hell on earth in which I dwell? A deer running through the forest sees a fellow deer being shot and dragged off by the hunter and knows that his time would one day come. I was that deer. Could eternal flames scorching every inch of my body for all eternity be worse that the blackness the seeped from my heart into my arteries and flowed all over my body. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up but rather to live in a perpetual state of nothingness would have been better to deal with life and the pain it brought. How could He do this? If He loved me why would He let this pain enter my life? Why was my life full of shit all around me? He cared nothing about me only himself. His people tried to comfort me and give me answers to my life which only made me more angry since it seemed that He had given His love to everyone but me. How could He? What is justice?
Her skin was soft and smooth as if I was stroking the shiny, smooth coating of the silky hair on a cat. Her eyes locked with mine as she whispered she loved me. Her lips were as if I were touching the softest feathers the world had to offer. As I ran my hand through her hair I knew she was mine and belonged to no one else. Caressing her face was if I was touching God himself. How could anything be more perfect? The feeling of her breasts pressing against my chest made us feel as one body, one mind, one person. She was perfect in everyway. From my faced rolled a tear of joy. The one I had been searching for my entire life was finally with me. Nothing could break us apart, nothing that is but the light of day.
I had these dreams of the perfect woman every night. She was there in my nightmares, as I should call, them to haunt me and show me something I believed I would never have. As any normal person in my position would have done, I tried to occupy myself with schoolwork by advancing at paces far quicker than normal and by practicing music to the point of perfection. I tried the normal school thing for a while but I was too concerned with trying to forget about the perfect love that never existed that I had to keep myself busy at all times whether that meant loading myself down with school work or traveling the state playing my violin for whoever wanted to hear me play or needed a stage player for some reason. The normal school was just not enough work like home school.
It took years to find her but I found the one I saw as perfect in everyway. She went from nightmares to real life except that she wasn’t a nightmare anymore. From the moment we met we were inseparable. At the time we were both seventeen and spent every waking moment together that we could. I told her that I wanted to marry her with all my heart as soon as we could. She said that she wished the same as well. But as my luck goes a short few weeks later she tells me that she stopped loving me and can’t seem to bring herself to love me anymore. Once again my world comes crashing down.
Now this was not the most dramatic. I had previously fallen in love with another girl from church. And I loved her so much more than either of those first two (one was a puppy love at age eight who hated my guts). From early age twelve to late age sixteen. After a while, I came to see her family as perfection. I tried to become friends with her brother, and her family came much closer to being a family to me than mine ever did. What made it so maddening was that she was apparently a bit of a flirt; and at the time I thought I was getting little signals. But it was just flirting with the closest guy at hand. And I came so close to asking her out. Have you ever seen a movie that made you realize that you can’t take life for granted, that some things you simply have to do and do them now? Or perhaps read a book like that? Well, Tolkein’s Return of the King did that for me, the movie not the book. When Sam finally ends up talking to Mary Cotton and marries her, that situation was so like mine. Seeing that movie for the first time was the only time up till then that I had ever cried tears of joy. I was so determined that I was going to ask her out. Not only that, but feeling that it was the right thing to do, the best thing to do, the right impression to make, I determined that I was going to ask her father his permission to court her. And the day that I was going to do, I came so close. I got to church and during service I saw something that destroyed all hope within me, in the space of a few hours. I saw her smile. Not her same, normal, beautiful smile. But the smile that I had seen in my best dreams, directed at me; and in my worst nightmares directed at someone else, the smile of a woman who was falling in love. And I saw it directed at another guy at a guy who had just come to the church like three to five months before that. And my heart died again that day. And I was right, too. They’re all but engaged now. And after a few months, I gave up the dream, and was no longer in love with her. And thus, for the first time since the age of five, I was not in love with anyone. I stayed that way for more than a year, until I was introduced to Kelly over the Internet. I loved her from the first time I spoke with her, and I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I can tell, that I’m always going to love her, no matter what; though I’m not in love with her anymore.
When college started I just decided to stick close to home to save some money. I wasn’t as big as a nerd as I had been in the past since I had become so discouraged with my life I almost didn’t care anymore. I began going to any party that I could find. I didn’t have any friends so I always ended up going by myself. An hour or so into the party I would have already drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka and usually a drug or two to top off the mix. The women at these parties weren’t always the best looking, and mostly likely weren’t clean by any means, but I was so sad and desperate that I would go to bed to have sex with any woman that would have me. I was a cannonball shot out of a cannon on a path to destruction. My parents knew that I was changing; they tried to show concern, like I cared. One night I came down from my room with a girl who I had just finished up with when my parents were leaving on a trip to Chicago. They called me into the kitchen to talk to. They began to harp on how I had changed and fallen away from God and was headed down the wrong path. I told them to go screw themselves, it was my life and my choices and I would do what or whom I wanted when I wanted. “Sex, drug, and rock n’ roll, that’s my life.” I walked out and slammed the door. As I looked through the front window I could see tears coming form my mothers face and my father trying to comfort her. I didn’t care; I was on ecstasy and was thinking about the girl next to me who I wanted to have a second go round with.
I got a call at 4:30 the next morning from the Indiana State Police, they were gone. My last words were go screw yourselves. I didn’t tell them I loved them, or thanks for caring or anything. Just like that they were gone. I was completely alone. No drugs, no alcohol, no woman could fill this void. My life was at this point utter chaos. I had only one option left.
Which takes us back to where I began. Laying here in pain as I wait for it kick in to full effect and send me down below. There is no turning back now. This beautiful field in which will be my personal Akeldama, reminds me of what I was missing my whole life, the one thing that could have saved my life and my pain. The one thing that I cursed and blasphemed for my earlier pains. How I had missed him this whole time I don’t know. I pray that he will accept my repentance and let me in to be with him although I know that I do not deserve it. Not after multiple attempts to end my life, the sex, the drugs, the alcohol, my lack of respect for my parents. I deserve this painful death, now I wish though that it had not come by my own hands. I guess that is one of those things that you can’t reverse but just hope for the best.